Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Take a deep breath, Allison

It's been a while since I posted last and for some reason it seems like now's the time to post again. We went to the doctor on May 19 and saw that there was one little baby growing inside. The midwife did the ultrasound, confirmed it was only one, then pushed the doppler so we could listen to the little one's heartbeat. We of course were elated but still knew that we weren't "out of the woods yet". This appointment was just our 8 week appointment and in actuality I was really only 7w4d.
It was after that appointment that I posted the picture to my friends on FB that I had written into the sand when we were at the beach at the beginning of may. The words "I'm pregnant" written into the sand, me squatting next to it with a smile on my face.
The next weekend, we went on a cruise with two other couples, leaving our little man at home with the in-laws. The cruise was amazing and the perfect opportunity to get away for a week. We missed our little man terribly and were so happy to see him when we got home the next week.
The next week was my birthday, we had a fabulous dinner with my dad and sister at Provino's. No birthday is complete in my book without a cookie cake from Great American Cookie Company. Dad got me one which we all enjoyed for dessert after dinner.
I truly hate these last few weeks. I hate that you have to wait until week 12 before going back to the doctor and hearing/ seeing your little one again. I know that's "normal" but I so wish that in these most critical weeks of a baby's development, that you can go every other week instead of waiting four weeks in between.
A few people have made comments about how I've not been as excited about this baby/ pregnancy as I should be. The truth is, I'm not. I'm absolutely terrified. I think a large portion of my fear comes from the fact that it took almost two years to get pregnant in the first place. Also, knowing that next year I'll be 30 makes it that much real that there's a possibility that if I don't carry this one to term that I'll be over 30 before I would have another little one to love.
In addition to those other reasons, too many other people's lives have affected my thinking. My best friend has had two "missed miscarriages" in the last year. That's caused when you don't realize that you're miscarrying and then go to the doctor for your appointment and they can't find the heartbeat. I just thought that most miscarriages you would have all of the symptoms such as cramping/ spotting/ bleeding. My friend said she didn't have any of that. To make it more difficult for me, she's now pregnant again with the exact same dates as me, even down to the due date.
At first I was most terrified that I would carry the baby to term and she wouldn't (due to her having already lost two) but now it's flopped. Now I'm fearful that she'll carry and I'll be left behind with no baby.
She is renting a doppler so that she can listen to her little one's heartbeat each day whenever she'd like to. She said her heartbeat is around 70-80 while her baby has always had a heartbeat in the high 170s. Tonight I went to her house to try and use her doppler. After searching for a good 15 minutes, we couldn't confirm that we heard my baby's heartbeat. She kept thinking that in one spot she could hear my heartbeat with the background of another one beating much faster. I then tried for several minutes trying to find the heartbeat on my own.
I've talked to my sister in some length about the use of the doppler at home and it could just cause additional stress. My sister does ultrasounds as her career so I'll be going tomorrow at lunch for her to do an ultrasound on me. Again, I'm terrified.
My next appointment isn't until next week, the 23rd. That seems like soooo far away. My friend, due to having the two miscarriages, is going every week to her OB/ specialist.
I would be absolutely devastated if tomorrow I found out that something was wrong with our baby. I don't know how I would handle it. I'll be going at lunch time so I can only hope for the best and know that I'll be in good hands with my sister at my side.
Please pray for me that everything is fine. Again, I have absolutely no reason to believe that anything is wrong, I'm still just terrified. Much like the pregnancy with our son, I've not had any sickness and very little nausea. I've only had very little spotting when we were on the cruise but that was only for an afternoon and then it was gone. There's been no cramping/ bleeding otherwise. UGH! I hate this feeling. I hate this emptyness. I just want answers.....answers that I'll get tomorrow at lunch. Until then.....

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